Out Of The Fires Of Pain

He did not know where he was... It was irrelevant... All he could see was the face of the woman he loved looking down at him. She was crying. Her tears hurt far deeper than any physical wound he had ever received and, as always, he wanted to relieve them.

He lifted a tired, shaking hand to her face and traced her tears the length of her cheeks to her chin, and there he gathered her pain in his palm and discarded it with a quick flick of his wrist. He smiled and gazed into the depths of her, no longer drowning.

"Th-there, my pretty, all gone." he whispered.

A sudden wail caressed his ears and tore at his heart. He strained against the sound as it reverberated inside is mind, then closed his eyes and shed a tear or two to ease his own anguished Soul.

Then it was gone... And he remembered...


"L-look, B-Buffy, perhaps we should wait a moment longer. There may be no-no need for you to go."

And there she stood in front of him... Indignant... She was very good at that. All she had to do was flip the bottom of her jacket behind her and stand with her hands on her hips. She could have been a dwarf and still he would have shivered at the sight. "Oh and they're just gonna thank me for my time and leave. Hmm...?" she conveyed, matching her stance with her words. He felt uncomfortable under her gaze. She was so obviously annoyed with him, and he really could not blame her. But he was afraid. Afraid that he would never see her again. In answer to his silence, she added, "And what about Xander and Willow...? What about them...? You think they're just gonna let them go...?"

He flinched at the harsh sound that accompanied her questions, but he also then knew... She had to go... But, by God, she was not going without him. "R-right. You're right, of-of course, but I will not send you out there alone." he determined and before she could answer, he went to the weapons cage and pulled out his Crossbow and arrows for him and some stakes for her. He also took a cross for himself, just in case he ran out of arrows. "Look, Giles, they want me, and only me," she admonished. "And they're gonna get me. But not the way they want me." Watching his apparent determination she sighed and added, "Giles, I don't wanna be wondering if you're okay, whilst I take them out." He glanced at her hotly. Her tone had indicated a lack of ebullience concerning his abilities, as though she believed he had never slain Vampires before. As if all his good *was* buried in musty books and research. It bit at him. He then wondered where she thought he might have learnt the skills of slaying Vampires. Out of a text book...? He almost laughed. "Well," he finally managed, "I thank-you for that vote of confidence, still it does not change anything. I would prefer you to-to concentrate on the matter at hand, than on-on me." And with that he left the safety of the Library, striding with purpose into the lair that had been set up for his Slayer. He briefly glanced behind him, hoping that she had followed. She had, but he could see by her gait that she was still annoyed. Though he knew they were about to enter something that could turn out horribly wrong for them both, he still could not stop himself thinking, 'One for the Watcher, whilst the Slayer stands floundering...'

All hell broke loose soon after their departure. There was not much to remember.

He saw his Slayer skidding across the corridor on her side with a Vampire hot on her tail. He managed to shoot an arrow at that Vampire, and briefly sighed with relief to see it vaporise into molecules of dust. However, he had so concentrated upon Buffy that he failed to sense another approaching him from behind. He suddenly had the unwelcoming sensation of being lifted and choked at the same time. He struggled, but to no avail. Uncomfortable lights darted across his eyes and the school started to dissolve into darkness. Then he felt a shove in the back and he was falling. He heard a crack to the left of him as his head bounced once on the floor.

But for the fear for his Slayer, he would have succumbed to the beckoning darkness. With all the strength he had left he pushed himself from the floor and turned. He saw Xander and Willow at the end of the corridor, dangling from two ropes. Suddenly both of them started to struggle against them and their impending doom. He glanced to his right and saw that Buffy pretty much had control of the situation. Still, to have pointed out the distress of her two friends at that moment in time would have been, he deduced, decidedly inappropriate.

So it was up to him...

He began to run towards them, with the knowledge that Xander and Willow were obviously the bait and he was running into a trap. But fear pushed him onward. Fear for their safety. Suddenly he was sliding across the floor towards a row of lockers, with a Vampire taking the ride with him. A whoosh of air escaped him as he made contact with one locker and then an excruciating pain travelled the length of his spine and into his head in quick succession. Out of the corner of his eye, and through an impending darkness, he saw Xander and Willow losing their struggle against their ropes and he cried out in pain. "No-o-o-o...!!!!" He kicked and punched blindly and angrily at the thing that kept him pinned to the floor. Suddenly the heavy weight of the Vampire was gone and slowly he looked up into the face of his Slayer. She smiled down at him. However, he could see a reflection of his own anguish touch the corner of her eyes. "We're finished here, Giles." she whispered and held out a hand for him. For a moment he was confused and could not respond. Then he looked to his right. Xander and Willow were on the floor, no longer struggling, no longer moving, and for one stuttered moment he wondered what was worse. To see them so lifeless or to witness their determined struggling.

All at once the bile reached his throat and he struggled to keep it in him. His hand moved to his mouth as he retched and then with a painful slowness, he turned onto his side and wept until darkness eventually claimed him.


He opened his eyes to find Buffy looking back down at him. Worry and tiredness caused her brow to furrow. And still her tears fell.

His throat was sore, he now noticed, but he needed to know... "Xander..?" he croaked. "...and Willow...?"

She valiantly gulped back any further tears before answering. She had wanted to lie, but she couldn't. Not now... Not even knowing what it could do to him. "Xander's fine. They're-they're checking him out right now, but he's gonna be okay. He's across the corridor from you. He-he keeps asking for you, but well..." She stopped herself, knowing that she could go on forever, just to stall herself from telling him the worse. She began to cry again.

Giles had looked relieved, then at her faltering, he stiffened with fear. "N-not Willow..." he muttered, "Not Willow...?" He waited for Buffy to answer. "...Please not Willow." he urged, but Buffy nodded and then renewed her wailing. He was suddenly caught between his own anguish and that of his Slayer's. Willow had been her best friend, but she had been a daughter to him... And now she was gone...

"Oh God.." he whispered.

Then he put his arms around the shoulders of his Slayer seated on his bed and cradled her. Slowly her sobs began to subside, and as he gently hushed her, she eventually fell to sleep. He rested her head on the nook of his shoulder, wiping tears from his own eyes, and briefly sniffed back his own pain. At the sound of a door opening he turned his head towards the noise, and saw Xander standing in the doorway. He looked exhausted, but also something else. He was angry. This was confirmed by the sudden stiffening of his body and a low, guttural growl that escaped his lips.

Giles flinched.

Then Xander was shouting... or trying to. His voice was as hoarse as Giles'. "That's it, take everything. Take it all. Why not. Who'm I anyway...?"

Giles was confused. "Xander...?" he questioned with a whisper.

Xander took two faltering steps towards him. He was crying. "You've taken everything from me... Willow... and now Buffy. Why didn't you just let me die too...?!"

"Oh God, Xander..." but that's all he could say. Buffy shifted restlessly beside him and slowly woke. This however did not stop Xander and his rantings. "Wouldn't it have been easier..?" Then he had a thought. "Hey...!" he suddenly laughed, "You could have had them both then." And he laughed some more... Then he cried. "Why didn't you save her, Giles...? You should have saved *her*.. not me!" He threw back at the helpless Librarian with disgust... And then he calmed. A look of defeat and grief shadowed his entire frame as he whispered, "You- you should have saved her, Giles..." And there, just past the threshold of Giles' room, Xander sank to his knees and wept. Painful, uncontrollable sobs that caused his shoulders to shake with emotion...

Buffy sat up and looked at her friend kneeling, broken and weeping, on the hospital floor. She looked back at Giles, who was staring into space and away from Xander. The look of hurt was plain to see, though she did not mention it. She climbed off the bed and knelt beside Xander. He flinched as she put her arms around his shoulders and hugged him. Eventually she whispered in his ear, "It wasn't Giles that couldn't save Willow, Xander, it was me... *I* couldn't save her."

She flinched a moment as her friend looked up at her with eyes that were transparent to his Soul. Eyes that usually laughed at her, but now were full to the brim with pain. "Oh God, Buffy," he whispered to her, "I loved her so much..."

"I know," she eventually whispered, and tightened her grip on her friend as he succumbed to another bout of weeping. As Giles had done with her, she gently hushed away his pain and tears until sleep claimed him.


In that moment, Giles knew. He *had* been responsible for Willow's death. He could not evade it any longer, and now he knew that he could not take something else from the young man that now lay asleep in the lap of his Slayer... Love did not conquer all... '*Your* fault..?' his sub-conscious argued with him. 'How the devil can it be *your* fault...? You were unconscious at the time.' 'Because I should have been stronger', he argued back. 'I knew it was a trap, and I should have been stronger, not the dithering, weak old man that I have turned out to be...'


In the coming weeks, Giles and Xander began to accept what had happened. And as surely as their bruises were fading, so did the bitter pain of loss and accusation.

Both had attempted to bridge the gaping hole soon after Willow's funeral. They both knew that it was too soon but the attempt itself convinced them both that there was at least hope. It would take time, they knew, but they were resolved that Willow would not want them to be opposing each other. Time would be there, they would make sure of it.


Upon his return to the Library, Giles inhaled deeply and took in the smell of old and musty books. He even patted the Computer, seated at the far end of his table, with affection. It felt good to be back. It had been but a few months since his forced departure, and yet to Giles it had felt more on the verge of an eternity. At first he did not notice that his hand had not moved from the computer. When he did, he swallowed hard and remembered.

Willow... How she had once fallen asleep here... Her insatiable zest for knowledge and an undeniable enthusiasm for breaking secret codes... He couldn't help but smile at that thought... And then he thought of her smile... Shy and awkward, but bright and alive... And now it was gone, never to grace his life again... Again he swallowed hard at the thought and again to abate the tears. Or at least the threat of tears. He missed her dreadfully and, in that moment, knew that he always would.

Hearing the sound of the Library doors swing open, he looked up to see Xander and Buffy walk in, laughing and teasing each other. And something else... He knew that look. "Hey, Giles..." Xander enthused at him, "So, how does it feel to be back...?"

He smiled a little awkwardly, then muttered, "Like-like a breath of fresh air, Xander."

"Nail on the head, G-Man." He nodded at the Librarian, emphasising his agreement with a finger punching the air. Then he looked in horror, "Whoa, who'd've thought that Xander Harris would be pleased about School and attending said thing...?" He looked down at Buffy and grimaced, "Give it to me straight, Doc, I've got brain damage, haven't I...? It's okay, I can take it." And then he laughed.

Buffy laughed with him and playfully punched him on the arm. "No more than usual..." Then she turned to Giles, all business like, and said "Training after class. Still on...?" Giles nodded, then began to change his mind, "Un-unless you have other p-plans , of course." he stuttered at her. She looked at him with bemusement. This was not the Giles she was used to. It was as though he wanted her to have something else on. She frowned. "And a sloppy Slayer is a dead Slayer, Giles...?" and before he could answer, she added, "I'll be here. You just prepare yourself for the usual beating." She smiled and as an after thought she continued, "Gee, Giles, have you, you know, thought of getting some padding for your, you know.." she tapped at her behind, "Cos it's getting to the stage where I think you should really be thinking about it." She raised her eyebrows knowingly.

Xander smirked.

Giles knew that she was, how did the Americans put it, ah yes, 'riding' him, and he decided to play along. "I-I haven't thought about it" he replied rather smartly, "and I am quite sure that it will not be needed in the future and most certainly not tonight." She shrugged. "Your pain, Giles." And with that she and Xander left him to the peaceful surroundings of the Library.


Giles silently put on the various padding he had always needed when training Buffy and thought of her. She had changed. He supposed his coolness towards her had had some affect to that. But he had his reasons and he was not about to stop. Still, what he could not stop was the pang... 'Of what..?' he thought. He sighed and inwardly shrugged... He did not know... Only that it bit at him whenever he saw Buffy and Xander together. So easy and free with their laughter. He wanted some of that, but knew that he never could. "Earth to Giles..."

He jumped slightly, startled out of his reverie, and looked towards the person who had spoken to him. He came face to face with Buffy. "Oh, um... sorry." he muttered and tried to conjure a smile on his face.

Buffy grimaced at his effort and said "I really wouldn't try that without meaning it."

He frowned with confusion... "I-I'm sorry...?"

"The smile..?"

"Oh, yes. As-as you say."

She sighed. "So, Giles, whatchya got for me today...?" He coughed once to gather his thoughts and then muttered, "I thought a little hand-to hand combat. And-and no holding back." he warned.

"Do I ever...?"

Giles stopped his preparation and for a moment stood in contemplation. Frowning, he replied, "Well, I'm not sure really. It would be most annoying if you have been. It would have done you no good were you to have done so. Vampires, and all the other mystical apparitions at the centre of the Hellmouth, would certainly appreciate a slackness in your fighting abilities and I'm sure would cheer wholeheartedly to see you floored time and time again." He stopped to take a breath.

Buffy found her opening and said "Enough talk, Giles, let's get down to business." And she stood in her usual preparation stance waiting for Giles to attack.

He did, half-heartedly, and she floored him immediately with a duck and a sweep to take out his legs from under him. She heard him exhale painfully and inhale just as painfully. Then he was up again.

He leant into his next attack, but still she parried and knocked him to the floor again. She looked down at him and said, "I know what your game is, Giles." She took a step back, letting him rise again.

He stood a little gingerly and then looked at her with confusion. "I-I have no idea what you are suggesting, Buffy, and I really have no time to..." He lunged at her and then feinted away from her attack. He sank to his haunches and swept her feet from under her. It was his turn to look triumphant and he relished it. She looked up at him and her face softened. He knew that look...

He was taken aback and before he could react, she had stood and had started to hit him. He ran to get space between himself and Buffy. She ran after him. Round the table. Then he stood atop of it and prepared himself. She climbed up and stood in front of him. She smiled. "You see, I know you as much as you know me. So," she shrugged, "I know what game you're playing." She kicked at him and he parried. "And, I gotta say Giles, it worked... for a little while." She kicked at him again and knew she'd made contact. He grunted with pain. "C-could you keep your mind on what is at hand and not on trying to confuse the hell out of me. It-it would only be fair for you to do that."

"Ah but fairness, Giles, is that the game you're playing...?" And she kicked him again, only with a bit more force than before. Giles went flying.

He landed heavily on the floor of the Library and didn't move for sometime. Every bone in his body felt as though they had just been shattered into tiny little pieces. He gritted his teeth against the immediate pain and then gulped in a lung full of air to steady himself. It had hurt, but he was not about to succumb to it. With great deliberation he stood and then forced himself to speak, "Th- that's much better."

But Buffy was not standing in front of him, she was seated at the table with her head in her hands, crying. His immediate thought was to go to her and hold her, but he had promised himself. So there he stood, away from her, with his hands on his hips emanating, as best as he could, annoyance. "And what do you think any self- respecting Vampire would think of this little demonstration, hmm...? Do you think they would take pity on you and say," He adopted a very much unpractised Southern American accent, "Okay, missy, go get your stake and end it all here and now...?"

When she did not answer, he blinked a couple of times. It was not what he had expected. With a slight look of guilt, he grimaced and whispered, "Damn." and then went to her. "Buffy...?" She turned and looked at him, painfully.

It hurt him. So much so, that there and then he broke his promise, held her to him and gently hushed away her tears. And she clung to him for dear life. Eventually, she gathered up her strength and pulled away from him, wiping the residual of her tears and on the sleeve of his shirt. He frowned at her for a moment, then fished his handkerchief from a pocket and handed it to her. Their hands briefly touched as she took it from him. She blinked at him, immediately sensing the static in their touch, but she had something to tell him. Something that she knew if he did not hear from her there and then, then there would be no moving forward. She moved away from him a little, to get a better look at his face. It pained her to see the hurt in his eyes.

"It wasn't your fault about Willow..." she blurted. He opened his mouth, she guessed, to argue the point, but she wasn't going to let him. She held up her hand and placed it across his lips. "Hear me out, Giles." And when she was sure that he wasn't going to say anything, she continued on. "It wasn't anyone's fault. We could go round and round blaming each other, but Willow wouldn't want that. Willow died... Xander lived... You lived and I lived. But it coulda been all of us dying..."

"Buffy, of all of us, it should have been me that had died. Willow was so young, so vibrant. She had so much to live for. I have had a good life, but I'm half way through it." He bent his head to hide his tears as his next words hit home. "If I had died, you would have got another Watcher. You would have gone on. But there is no- one that can replace Willow. She's gone and that's that..." "But I don't wanna 'nother Watcher, Giles. I want you... And Willow isn't gone completely, cos you remember her and so do I and so does Xander..." She paused a moment to gather her breath and then whispered, "I love you, Giles... And I only realised that when Willow died... I-I wish that it hadn't taken her to die for me to realise that, but it did and I can't change that..."

He blinked furiously at her, his mind replaying what she had just confessed to him, but no matter how hard he tried, the words kept slipping away from him. But then in a flash of white light, everything came back into focus and he looked at her with eyes that were wide with surprise. "You-you love me...?" he whispered. Buffy nodded.

Then the sight of Xander at the hospital and his accusations caused him to falter and he guiltily looked away from her, found a point at the back of the Library and focused on it. She touched his cheek and he was back again. He looked down at her and sighed. Unable to relieve himself of the guilt, he expressed it, "Xander, Buffy..."

"He knows..." She replied simply. "He knew before me." She paused and looked up into the Librarian's face. Into the face of the one she loved and said. "He's okay..."

THE END



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