Journey's End 9

Buffy watched him walk away and almost without missing a beat just turned to the Shaman and continued her tirade. "What happened there, in his journey? Why did I kill him? I don't understand." She started pacing. The Shaman just patiently watched her. "Now he says he's staying. Is it just to keep me from turning into a monster? Am I that close to being a monster that just him leaving tips me over into the dark side? What's wrong with me?"

She was still crying. "And I can tell he doesn't really want to stay. How can I make him love me if he doesn't even want to be with me? If his staying keeps me from being this homicidal crazed bitch why isn't he jumping for joy that he can keep that from happening? Why won't he tell me what happened?" Buffy sat on the ground, completely miserable, and just continued to cry. The Shaman sat down next to her, still remaining silent.

Finally, her tears spent, she looked at the Shaman. Wiping the tears off her face she drew a deep breath. "Okay, I'm better now."

The Shaman smiled. "I'm glad."

Buffy put out a hand to lightly touch his sleeve. "But, I'm not really, you know that, right?"

He nodded. "Yes, I know that."

Buffy drew another deep breath. "So, when you were having that little silent conversation with Giles did he by any chance give you permission to tell me what happened on that journey of his?"

"No, not really." Buffy blew out a frustrated breath but before she could explode again the Shaman asked her a question. "Why was Rupert leaving?"

"What?"

"Why was he leaving? What reason did he give you for returning to England?"

Buffy thought for a moment. "He said that I wouldn't learn to fend for myself as long as he was here...there...wherever. That he was holding me back."

"And do you agree with that?"

"You know I don't...didn't, still don't."

"Do you feel differently now, about yourself, than you did when you arrived?"

"Yeah, completely different. I can feel again, I can hope again. I am hoping." She scowled in the direction that Giles had walked away in.

The Shaman bit back a smile. He liked this Slayer of Rupert's. He could see why Rupert had become such an avid champion. She still had much to learn, though. "In your journey, did things go badly in any of the futures you were shown?"

Buffy grimaced. "God, yes. The first four sucked big time, at least for me. Giles died in the first one, in the second one, even though he had decided to stay, he ended up leaving anyway, in the third one, Dawn killed herself, and in the fourth one, I died." She looked up at the Shaman. "You know who Dawn is?"

He nodded. "Yes." He thought for a moment. "In those lives, what went wrong, what was the theme that ran through all of them?"

"They were all so different and bad things happened to different people in each one."

"No, they were merely variations on a theme. What was that theme?"

Buffy whined. "Oh, God, I feel like I'm back in school."

The Shaman did grin at that. "Think it through Buffy. What was the decision you made that created those futures?"

Buffy sat there, her legs drawn up, arms resting on her knees, jaw resting on her arms, and she thought. And then she thought some more. Finally a look of comprehension and sadness came over her face. She lifted her head. "It was me. I didn't care. I made stupid choices because I didn't care. I hated my life."

"And will those same choices be made by you now?"

"God, no."

"And how can you be so sure?"

"Because I know now. Because I don't feel that way anymore."

The Shaman nodded. "This I can share with you. You asked Rupert how he knows you won't kill him. How he can be sure. The answer is the same. He knows now. He knows that he must stay, that his staying ensures that particular future will never come to pass."

"So why isn't he happier about it?"

The Shaman tucked his hands in his sleeves as he looked at her. "Tell me again why Rupert was leaving?"

Buffy sighed, almost exasperated. "That he would hold me back. That he would end up taking care of too much for me."

"And in those four lives, did Rupert stay in all of them?"

She nodded and then she gasped. "He stayed, and everything still went bad."

"Why?"

"Oh God." Buffy's eyes were wide open. "Because he was right. I never took responsibility. I made all those stupid choices; I left Dawn to him. And I didn't care because I didn't need to, because he was there."

The Shaman let that sink in for a moment. "So, why might Rupert not be entirely happy with his decision to stay?"

Buffy's head almost hurt as the mental bombshells continued to drop. "Because he still thinks he'll hurt me by staying. I mean, he knows now that to leave will be worse, but he doesn't think he's doing me any big favors by staying." Buffy's eyes brightened with tears. "He's worried about me." Her chin lifted in determination. "But, I'm different now."

The Shaman nodded. "Yes, you are. But, think about your conversation. What was he seeing, what was he hearing?"

Buffy reviewed her conversation with Giles, her brows furrowed in concentration. She glanced up at the Shaman. "I suppose you want the theme." She grinned at him.

He grinned back. "Yes, what was the underlying theme?"

In a painful rush of honesty, Buffy blurted out her answer. "I wanted him to take care of me. I wanted him to fix the problem. Just like I've been doing."

"You have an interesting situation in your hands Buffy. Your relationship with Rupert has always been, predominantly, about you taking, and him giving. Not in the love and affection you have had for each other, but rather, in the roles you have played in each other's lives. And that has been all right, in fact, it has been necessary. It is the nature of Slayers and Watchers, and Rupert has, up until this time, loved that role he played in your life. Now, for the first time, he sees that role as being disadvantageous to you. And yet, that is the only way he knows to be with you. And that is the only way you have known to be with him."

The Shaman opened both hands. "Now, you have been given an extraordinary gift. You have been shown a new way to be with him. A way of being equals, not in the fight against evil, but equals as man and woman, husband and wife, sharing life, both the joys and the burdens." He closed one hand. "Rupert hasn't seen that. He can't even envision it. All he sees is the life he's given to you, his life, will potentially do you harm."

Buffy looked at him anxiously, glancing down at his two hands, one open and one closed. "You couldn't send him on another journey? Let him see it that way, like I did?"

"He is not strong enough to journey right now. He needs time to recover, he needs to spend time in his secret garden and he needs to spend time with those he loves and who love him."

Buffy reached forward and touched his closed hand. "What am I supposed to do about that? How do I get him to see?"

The Shaman looked at her kindly. "Buffy, if you hope to be a partner for Rupert, if you hope to walk by his side, you must learn that for yourself. And then you must show him a new path for the two of you to walk together, side by side. When you first arrived, I told you that up until now, his burdens, his troubles, were the duty and the honor of my wife and I to attend to. Now you must decide if it is time for them to belong to you as well. We will always be here and there will be times when he will need to come here, as may you. But it is a partner's privilege to stand by his or her lover's side and help shoulder a burden to make it lighter."

Buffy had to swallow against the lump in her throat and she felt an intense need to lighten the moment. "Wow, you do couple's counseling too?"

The Shaman softly smiled at her. "There is nothing in life that cannot be improved with increased wisdom and an increased clarity about the inner workings of our heart and mind. In fact, the less we know about ourselves, the more difficult our journeys are." He stood. "I must go see Rupert. Do you know how to get back to the house?"

Buffy nodded. "Can I just wander around?"

He nodded. "Yes, just be quiet when you are around buildings as classes or meditation may be going on."

"So no bursting into song?"

He caught the impish look in her eyes. "Only unless it is completely unavoidable. If you must, then, we will, of course, understand." With that, he headed off, following the direction Rupert had taken, leaving a grinning Buffy behind him.


Buffy lost track of time. She was thinking harder than she had in a long time. Every now and then she'd sit for a while, and then she'd feel compelled to walk again. Thinking back on that future she'd seen when she and Giles had made love she remembered what it had felt like to realize that he was a man. She was experiencing something similar now. Except instead of coming to grips with Giles as a sexual being, now she was coming to grips with the idea of him being an emotional one. A guy with needs, and hurts, and wants, just like her.

She knew that he'd had rough times, and she'd certainly done her best to be caring when confronted with that side of him, on those rare occasions when he'd let her see him like that. But, for the first time, she could see that he had made it so easy for her, in so many ways. Despite what he'd been going through, fighting at her side, he had never, ever, expected her to address that part of himself, in fact, he'd almost made it a point to make sure she didn't. Because that wasn't her role. Because it could get in her way, distract her. Always, for him, it was about her. Because that was his role.

That she had working in her favor. He'd nudge eventually, just because she wanted him to. But, she didn't want him that way anymore. So, all she had to do was convince him that she had found a reason to live, that she'd be better for his staying. Then she needed to convince him that emotionally opening up to her wouldn't distract her, that it would in fact make her stronger, knowing he was fully there behind her. And then she needed to make him believe that she loved him and that he loved her too. That's all. Oh, and that they should get married.

Buffy lay down on the grass and blew a raspberry at the sky. "Oh, for a vampire to kill." She rolled over onto her stomach and rested her head on her arms and she thought some more.



When she failed to appear for dinner Giles got a little nervous. The Shaman assured her that she was fine, and Giles knew that no harm could befall her while she was here but he couldn't help the anxiety he was feeling. The Shaman stared at him for a moment. "Why don't you go and get her."

"Do you know where she is?"

He closed his eyes for a moment. "She is down by the Zen Garden."

Giles stood. "Then, perhaps I will. It will be dark soon." He smiled at them both and headed out.

Lindsey looked at her husband and swatted him on the arm. "You are such an incurable romantic."

He grinned sheepishly at her. "I know. No matter how I try, I cannot rid myself of this attachment. I find it immensely satisfying when people find their true mates. Besides..." He gazed at her.

She leaned forwards and kissed him. "I know. I love him too."



Buffy had fallen asleep. Giles' heart turned over in his chest when he saw her lying on the ground and he ran to her, falling to his knees by her side. "Buffy?"

She jerked her head up. "Huh?" She looked up at him, hearing the tension in his voice. "What? What's wrong?"

Giles sat back on his heels, relief coursing through him. "Nothing. I thought you were hurt." Then he smiled at her.

Buffy knew that smile. "What now? Do I have grass all over my face?" She put a hand to her face and discovered that she did. She brushed it away. "I'd like to see you take a nap here and not own some of mother nature." She looked up at him. "Did I get it all?"

Giles put a hesitant hand out and brushed some dirt off her cheek, and pulled a couple of twigs out of her hair, taking some time to untangle one of them. Buffy thought her heart might stop and she closed her eyes at the sensation of him touching her.

When he pulled his hand away her eyes were still closed. He called her name, concerned. "Buffy?"

Her eyes opened, and for a second, Giles saw something in her eyes, he'd almost swear it was a flash of desire, but it was gone so quickly he dismissed it, shaking his head. He had something he wanted to discuss. "Buffy, I'm sorry we argued earlier."

Buffy sat across from him, her knees almost touching his. "It's all right." She smiled. "This Shaman guy, he's pretty smart."

Giles smiled back. "Yes, he is. I've learned so much from him."

"He told me that he's learned a lot from you too."

Giles couldn't help but look pleased at that but he didn't respond. Instead he made an offer to Buffy. "If you want me to, I'll tell you about my journey."

Buffy shook her head. "No. I only want you to tell me if you want to tell me. What I want is to tell you about mine, and tell you what I learned. Is that okay?" At his nod, she continued. "I get why you wanted to leave. I get why you wanted to go back to England."

He interrupted her. "I never wanted to go."

She put a finger over his lips. "I know. You were leaving because I didn't care about anything. I saw no purpose to my life; I saw no reason for living. And you believed that staying would only make it worse. Because you would live my life for me, take care of everything that might force me to snap out of it. I get that." She slowly pulled her finger off his lips, slightly pulling down his lower lip. She heard his breath catch but she couldn't tell if it was desire or confusion.

"I get it because I saw what happened when you stayed. For four possible futures, just what you thought might happen, happened, and it wasn't good. I gave up, or I made bad decisions, or I pulled back and people got hurt, and in one, you ended up leaving anyway. But, the point is that you were right. You staying, it wasn't good for me. And you knew that. And you knew what you had to do, and I'm sorry I was so angry with you. You didn't deserve it."

Giles shook his head but she put a hand on his knee to stop him. The next thing she had to say felt like the hardest thing she'd ever had to say. "I need to let you know that I'm okay now. And if you want to go home, you can. I'll be all right. I won't turn into that thing that kills you. I'll go home and I'll take care of Dawn, and I'll be okay. Not as okay as I would be if you stay, but I'll be okay." By the time she had finished her head had dropped and she was looking at the ground, terrified that he might take her up on it, that he might agree. Mostly she was terrified that she'd see a look of relief on his face.

Giles reached out and lifted her head with his finger under her chin. He stared at her for the longest time. He could see a newborn strength there, that proud determination that had been missing since her rebirth. Giles stared at her in amazement. "How...?"

"I saw myself happy. And I saw myself glad to be alive. And it made me believe I could feel that way. And once I believed it, I felt it. It's back, inside of me. The hope. I care again."

Giles cupped her cheek with his hand, astonished by her. Without conscious thought he reached out and pulled her to him in a ferocious hug. She threw herself into it wholeheartedly. They held each other for the longest time. Finally he pulled back, returning his hand to her cheek. "I'm so glad Buffy, you have no idea how glad I am." He dropped his hand.

Buffy took a deep breath. "So, do you want to go home? Do you want to go home to Bath and get a regular job and make some friends your own age, and maybe fall in love?" Now she held her breath.

"Do you want me to stay?"

Buffy shook her head. "I want you to decide. I don't want you to stay because I want you to stay. I want you to stay because that's what you want to do."

Giles cocked his head to the side and just stared at her. "When did you become so...?"

Buffy smiled that self-mocking smile of her. "Grown-up?" Giles nodded. Buffy gestured around her. "This afternoon." She pressed on. "Do you want to go home? Does that sound appealing to you?"

Giles tightened his lips around a small smile. "Well, I suppose it does, to a certain extent. I miss some of those things. I have for a long time. But, another part of me feels that I belong at your side."

"As my Watcher?"

"As your Watcher."

"What do you miss the most?"

"Out of my old life?" Buffy nodded. "I suppose having friends to share my day with, over a cup of tea or a drink at the end of the day, maybe...having someone to love, having someone to wake up to." He blushed. Giles wasn't used to this sort of conversation with Buffy.

She caught the blush. "Hey, this is whole new terrain here. Conversation between an adult Giles and a grown-up Buffy. No Watcher stuffiness allowed here." Giles glared at her and she just grinned back. "See, and I'm growing impervious to your glares. Now that I've seen someone survive one with no evident bleeding I'm beginning to believe they're not as deadly as I thought they were."

Giles just rolled his eyes and flashed her a quick grin and then he flashed her a bigger one as he realized how comfortingly familiar their banter was, the way it had always been between them, all of Buffy's spark back in place. Giles felt something relax inside of him; something he hadn't even realized was so out of kilter until just now. He was about to speak when Buffy started up again.

"I mean, if you want to stay because you're my Watcher, I won't argue. But..."

Giles prompted her. "But...?"

"My next life, the next future I got shown after those four shitty ones, which I'll tell you all about in all their gory detail later, the next future was pretty good. I had me a gorgeous boyfriend, who seemed to know all about the slaying. Dawn was graduating from high school. And you stayed in this life too. You stayed in all six, but in the last two, it was a good thing. You can stay and it can be a good thing."

He prompted her again, curious now. "What happened in this future?"

"Well, you had gotten to the graduation ahead of us and had saved us seats. Xander was lurking towards the back to show us where they were. Anya was way pregnant, Willow was with Tara, and we were all there, so excited for Dawn, thinking back to our graduation. I teased you about it; you teased me back. And I thanked you."

"For what?"
"For being there. For everything you'd done. That I'd never have made it this far without you, that certainly Dawn never would have." Giles didn't respond. "But then, the weirdest thing happened. We were all in the gym, doing the party thing and I was watching me with the new guy, whose name was Rick by the way, and he was paying all sorts of attention to me, which is only right."

She sent an impish look Giles' way and he rolled his eyes and gestured for her to continue. "Okay, so, oh and I forgot to tell you, I can tell what everyone's feeling during this thing. So, I'm hanging with the gang and suddenly I realize you're missing. Not the me in the future, but me, me." She patted herself on the chest. "I look around for you and you're still there but sort of near the back, just leaning against a wall, watching us. Like you did all the time when we were in high school. Just watching us. But this time I could feel what you were feeling."

"What was it? What was I feeling?" He couldn't imagine.

"It was like this bright light inside of you. This amazing joy, of being glad that I was alive, that we all were alive, that we were all together, celebrating together. And you were so determined to keep it that way, no matter what it took." She looked at him intently, noting the look of recognition on his face. "How often did you feel that way?"

He smiled shyly. "All the time. Every night you came back from patrol, every time we vanquished the next evil, every time you were all together, safe and whole."

"Well, that was the weird thing. Because when I felt that, when I saw that light there inside of you, I couldn't have cared less for Rick, or for any of them. I just wanted to be with you. Next to you. Soaking that in, that feeling. It was like being in sunshine. So, I started walking towards you..."

Giles was captivated. "And then..."

"Then it all got hazy and I got sent to the next future."

"Oh." Giles didn't quite understand why but he felt disappointed. "So what was that life like? The next one?"

End of Part 9



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